The importance of listening in our lives cannot be overstated. Developing the skill of listening can be immensely helpful. There are two rules related to listening: the 30-second rule and the 90-second rule. Although these ideas come from different areas, they can be practically beneficial to us.
Listening can be implemented on various levels. First, we can listen effectively by adjusting our body posture and facial expressions when someone is speaking. Through mirroring expressions and maintaining eye contact, the speaker can feel that their words are being heard. This is a crucial aspect of communication. When engaging in conversation, it’s important to stop what you’re doing, turn toward the speaker, and adopt a focused listening posture.
Taking it a step further, effective communication is achieved by concentrating on the content of the conversation. Typically, during conversations, we don’t fully listen to the other person. Instead of focusing on their words, we dwell on our thoughts, wondering what to say next. This hinders communication as each person talks past the other. Effective dialogue begins with attentive listening, putting aside one’s own thoughts to focus on the other person’s words. To practice this, I suggest the 30-second listening method. When tempted to interrupt or stop listening to think about your response, pause your thoughts for 30 seconds and listen more. Giving the other person just 30 more seconds to speak can have a profound effect. In doing so, you hear things you might have missed, and surprisingly, the speaker often discovers solutions themselves as they articulate their thoughts. By refraining from interrupting, the speaker may refine their ideas, identify issues, and self-correct. Waiting for 30 seconds and truly listening can lead to remarkable communication experiences and improved mutual understanding.
Another dimension of listening is empathetic listening. Communication should extend beyond understanding the speaker’s message to recognizing and empathizing with their emotions. Empathy is incredibly powerful, offering strength to others in their lives. Counselors and coaches are often experts in empathetic listening. If we apply empathetic listening in our own lives, it can greatly enhance relationships and communication. A practical way to achieve this is through reflective listening—rephrasing the speaker’s feelings, such as saying, “Ah, you’re feeling … because of ….” However, when hearing someone’s emotions, we may feel an urge to fix or correct them. Even while practicing reflective listening, the listener may struggle against the impulse to teach or adjust the speaker’s emotional state. This approach often leads the speaker to feel judged or pressured, which can exacerbate stress.
To address this, Dr. Sunhwa Kim, author of Following Leadership, recommends the 90-second listening method. When someone expresses negative emotions, rather than trying to quickly redirect them toward positivity, allow them 90 seconds to fully express their negative emotions. Emotions have momentum, and once caught in negativity, it is hard to pivot immediately. Though people prefer to feel positive, when immersed in negativity, they are inevitably drawn deeper. Reflective or empathetic listening alone doesn’t immediately shift emotions positively. Instead of intervening, allow the speaker to process and gradually reduce the momentum of their negative emotions over 90 seconds. This patience enables them to manage their feelings and eventually regain a sense of positivity and strength. Pressuring someone to quickly switch to positivity can backfire, prolonging their negative state. Here, the listener’s patience is essential.
The 30-second or 90-second duration may seem brief, but it can feel quite long in practice. Without these guidelines, even listening for five seconds can feel lengthy, and respecting someone’s negative emotional state for just 10 seconds can feel challenging. Without patience, conversations often create feelings of rejection or judgment rather than rest, empathy, or respect. Training yourself in the 30-second or 90-second rules is worthwhile. These practices, though simple, can serve as a starting point for becoming someone who listens attentively and empathizes deeply, growing into a person who invests time and patience in others.